How I scared myself…

This week, I went through another emotional-roller-coaster. Last Tuesday, I came out from the MRI examination room, waiting hopelessly and anxiously for the results of the MRI about my left hip pain. I was sitting there waiting, in the waiting room. In my head it was clear, the pain was caused by another muscle lesion, like the previous times. I was just waiting for the doctor to come out and announce that to me. While waiting, I wrote this:

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“Things don’t always happen as expected in life. Last Friday, i was expecting a busy busy week to come, with my schedule packed with rehearsals of two ballets “Sleight of Hand” and “Speak for yourself” in which I am casted, and business classes and more. I was looking forward to these challenges, I like being busy, it feels productive when you’re busy. And how exciting to be dancing in two new ballers by Paul Lightfoot and Sol Léon that I really like! Friday night, feeling some satisfying tiredness and excitement for the weekend to come, I started planning my schedule for the next week.

Saturday morning, at the moment I woke up, something was wrong. I could feel my psoas muscle screaming in front of my hip. I didn’t take it very seriously, I thought “how is that possible? I was feeling so well yesterday evening! Or what happened during my sleep?”.

Yesterday, Monday, I was back in…………………”

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Just as I finished writing that, the doctor, who was in a hurry because his friend (my doctor at the Opera) asked him to see me in between two bookings, came out and told me,
“Mr. Lam? I am sorry, I am in a hurry, but your hip is fine, don’t worry. I have to go but here are the images, go and get the results upstairs, bye!”

At that moment, I thought, Okay, doctors don’t always want to confront with their patients’ sadness or disappointment while announcing them the very truth, often a bad news.

I got the report, and it read: no abnormal conditions observed.

What really? Is my hip really completely okay? I have been sleepless for a whole night asking myself why I hurt myself again. What I could feel was exactly the same as the last times when I hurt my psoas, which made me stop dancing for months. I was so prepared of loosing this precious opportunity to work and to perform in this Lightfoot production. I also wondered why my Life, my destiny keep taking these opportunities from me. I told myself, Oh, everything happens for a reason. Life wants to strengthen my emotional intelligence, or oh, maybe I wasn’t meant to do this production………. and many other thoughts of the sort. Meanwhile, the pain was still there, there must be something wrong with the report or the doctor’s diagnosis.

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Saturday today, I had a whole week of intense rehearsals. And the pain is gone. My hip really turned out to be totally alright!

Voilà, that is how I scared myself. Now, I appreciate each rehearsal, I cherish every moment even more, more than ever.